What does it really mean to “Sit in It”?

“You might just need to sit in it.”

It’s something therapists say. It’s something I say.

But what does that actually mean?

Sit in what? For how long? And what exactly are you supposed to be doing while you’re sitting there?

Because “sit in it” can sound a little like: Feel terrible and wait.

That’s not really what I mean.

When we talk about sitting with an emotion, we’re talking about learning how to experience something uncomfortable without immediately needing to escape it, fix it, explain it away, or make it disappear.

And that is a skill.

Why We Want to Get Away

Most of us are pretty good at recognizing physical discomfort and doing something about it.

We’re cold, so we put on a sweatshirt.

We’re hungry, so we eat.

We have a headache, so we take something for it.

So naturally, when emotional discomfort shows up, our brain often approaches it the same way:

How do I make this stop?

Anxiety shows up? Distract yourself.

Sadness? Stay busy.

Shame? Avoid the person.

Anger? Send the text.

Loneliness? Pick up the phone.

Uncertainty? Google it seventeen times.

Sometimes those responses are helpful. But if our only strategy for uncomfortable emotions is getting away from them, something else can happen.

We can accidentally teach ourselves that the emotion itself is dangerous.

Instead of learning, “I don't like anxiety,” we begin learning, “I can't handle anxiety.”

That's an important difference.

So What Does “Sitting in It” Actually Look Like?

There are several things happening when we learn to stay with an emotion.

1. Notice It

Before we do anything about the emotion, we notice that it's there.

Something is happening right now.

Maybe your chest feels tight. Your stomach drops. Your face gets hot. Your thoughts speed up. Your shoulders tense.

Rather than immediately reacting, start by noticing.

What is happening in my body right now?

You don't have to understand it yet.

Just notice it.

2. Name It

Next, try putting some language around the experience.

I'm anxious.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm angry.

I'm disappointed.

I'm lonely.

I'm hurt.

Sometimes we discover that the first emotion isn't even the whole story.

“I’m furious” might become:

I'm angry. But underneath the anger, I'm actually really hurt.

Naming an emotion doesn't magically make it disappear. That's not the point.

It helps us move from simply being inside the emotion to also observing the emotion.

There is a difference between:

“Everything is falling apart.”

and

“I'm noticing that I'm feeling overwhelmed and scared right now.”

That little bit of space matters.

3. Allow It

This may be the hardest part.

Instead of immediately asking:

How do I get rid of this?

try asking:

Can I let this be here for a minute?

You're not agreeing with the emotion.

You're not saying you like it.

You're not deciding to feel this way all day.

You're simply acknowledging:

This is what I'm experiencing right now, and I don't have to fight the fact that I'm experiencing it.

Sometimes the struggle against an emotion becomes almost as painful as the emotion itself.

4. Stay With It — Without Feeding It

This is where “sitting in it” can easily get confused with ruminating.

They aren't the same thing.

Sitting with sadness isn't spending three hours reviewing every disappointing thing that has ever happened to you.

Sitting with anger isn't repeatedly building the case for why the other person is terrible.

Sitting with anxiety isn't mentally running through 47 different versions of what could go wrong.

That's feeding the story around the emotion.

Instead, come back to the actual experience:

Where am I feeling this?

What am I noticing?

What happens if I don't immediately do anything about it?

We are trying to become curious about the emotion rather than consumed by the story surrounding it.

5. Get Curious

Once we aren't running quite so quickly, we can start asking questions.

What is this feeling trying to tell me?

What happened right before this showed up?

What am I afraid of?

What am I protecting?

What am I needing right now?

Does this remind me of something familiar?

What does this emotion make me want to do?

Curiosity changes our relationship with uncomfortable emotions.

Instead of:

Get this thing away from me.

we begin saying:

Okay. You're here. What's going on?

6. Notice the Urge Without Automatically Following It

Emotions frequently arrive with instructions.

Anxiety says:

GET OUT.

Anger says:

DO SOMETHING.

Shame says:

HIDE.

Fear says:

AVOID IT.

Uncertainty says:

FIGURE THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.

Part of sitting with an emotion is noticing those urges without assuming we have to obey them.

I'm noticing a really strong urge to leave.

I'm noticing that I desperately want reassurance.

I'm noticing that I want to send that text.

I'm noticing that I want to shut down.

There is a powerful little space between having an urge and acting on an urge.

That's where choice starts to come back.

7. Watch the Wave

Emotions aren't static.

They move.

Sometimes they rise. Sometimes they peak. Sometimes they soften. Sometimes one emotion changes into another.

And sometimes the emotion doesn't disappear at all — but our ability to carry it changes.

That's important because the goal of sitting with an emotion isn't:

“Stay here until I make this feeling go away.”

That would just turn acceptance into another strategy for controlling our feelings.

Instead, we're learning:

“I can be okay while an uncomfortable feeling is here.”

And then we observe what happens.

8. Let Your Body Learn Something New

This may be the most important part.

Every time we experience a difficult emotion without immediately escaping it, our brain and body have an opportunity to learn something.

I was anxious.

I stayed.

It was uncomfortable.

I didn't fall apart.

Something shifted.

And eventually, I moved through it.

The lesson isn't:

“I'll never feel this again.”

It's:

“I've felt this before, and I know I can handle it.”

That changes our relationship with emotions.

The next time anxiety appears, maybe we don't have to run quite as quickly.

The next time sadness arrives, maybe we aren't quite as frightened of it.

The next time uncertainty shows up, maybe we don't have to solve it immediately.

Over time, we're building something bigger than simply feeling better.

We're building trust in our ability to experience difficult things.

Sitting in It Isn't Suffering in It

This distinction matters.

Sitting with an emotion doesn't mean wallowing in it.

It doesn't mean refusing support.

It doesn't mean staying in an unsafe situation.

And it certainly doesn't mean that we should never distract ourselves, soothe ourselves, talk to someone, exercise, laugh, watch television, or do something that helps us feel better.

Those things can all be healthy.

The question is whether we're choosing them or whether we feel like we have to escape every uncomfortable internal experience.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is take care of ourselves.

And sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is simply stay.

Notice.

Name.

Allow.

Get curious.

Notice the urge.

Don't immediately react.

And see what happens.

“I Can Feel This”

Maybe that's ultimately what we mean when we tell someone to sit in it.

Not:

Stay miserable.

Not:

Think about it harder.

Not even:

Figure out why you feel this way.

Instead:

Notice what's here. Make some room for it. Be curious about it. Don't immediately run from it. And give your mind and body an opportunity to discover that you can experience an uncomfortable emotion without being controlled by it.

Because sometimes the most important thing we learn from an emotion isn't how to make it disappear.

It's this:

I can feel this.

I don't have to run from it.

And I can trust myself to move through what comes next.