Shifting the Gaze
One of the most powerful things parents, teachers, and therapists can do is help children “shift the gaze” — gently guiding what they notice, what they reflect on, and what they begin practicing emotionally and mentally.
Research in psychology has consistently shown that attention shapes experience. Studies in cognitive behavioral therapy, positive psychology, and neuroscience all point toward a similar idea: the brain strengthens what it repeatedly focuses on. Attention is not just passive observation — it is practice. What we repeatedly notice becomes easier for the brain to find again.
That doesn’t mean we ignore pain, frustration, anxiety, or conflict. It means we recognize that the questions we ask children can quietly shape the lens through which they experience themselves and the world.
Many parents understandably get pulled into outcome-based questions:
“Did you win?”
“Did you behave?”
“Did you finish it?”
“Why did you do that?”
But sometimes a small shift in the question creates a completely different emotional pathway.
Instead of:
“Did you score?”
We might ask:
“How did you help bring out the best in your teammates?”
Instead of:
“How was school?”
We might ask:
“Who is someone you noticed today that might make a good friend?”
Instead of:
“Why are you so unmotivated?”
We might ask:
“When today did you feel even a tiny spark of energy or interest?”
These questions invite children to scan for different information. Over time, they begin noticing things they previously overlooked.
A child who is overly competitive may slowly begin noticing teamwork.
A socially anxious child may start identifying moments of connection.
A discouraged child may begin recognizing small shifts in mood, energy, or confidence.
Sometimes the shift is incredibly subtle.
A child smiles for one second while telling a story, and an adult says:
“I noticed your whole body changed when you smiled just then. Did you feel that?”
Suddenly the child is paying attention to their own nervous system in a new way. They are learning emotional awareness not through a lecture, but through curiosity.
This is not about controlling children or forcing positivity. In fact, children often resist feeling managed or “fixed.” Shifting the gaze is different. It is an invitation.
An invitation to notice:
effort instead of only results
connection instead of only performance
playfulness instead of only productivity
courage instead of only comfort
small moments of regulation instead of only dysregulation
Over time, these repeated invitations help build emotional flexibility. The brain becomes more practiced at noticing possibility, relationship, resilience, humor, and meaning alongside difficulty.
And perhaps one of the most important parts for parents to remember:
Children often begin looking for the answers to the questions they expect will be asked.
If a child knows someone will ask:
“What risk did you take today?”
“What made you laugh?”
“When did you feel proud of yourself?”
“Who helped you feel included?”
“How did you help someone else today?”
…they slowly begin scanning their world differently.
The gaze shifts.
And often, that shift becomes the beginning of growth.
