The need for Nudges

In a world where children are taught to “keep it together,” many internalize the belief that if they don’t talk about hard things, those things won’t affect them—or worse, that by keeping quiet, they can control them. This is what I often call the illusion of control, and while it offers short-term comfort, it can quietly contribute to long-term emotional distress.

As parents and caregivers, we often wrestle with the balance between respecting our child’s privacy and helping them confront what’s uncomfortable. And that’s where the conversation gets tricky: how do we respect a child’s desire to keep something private without unintentionally reinforcing the idea that avoiding hard topics is the best way to handle them?

The Illusion of Control: What It Is and Why It’s Harmful

The illusion of control is the mistaken belief that we can control outcomes by controlling what we think, say, or reveal. For kids, this can look like:

• Refusing to talk about a social conflict at school.

• Avoiding conversations about a medical diagnosis, family tension, or grief.

• Believing that if no one knows their struggles, those struggles don’t “exist.”

But here’s the truth: avoidance doesn’t erase emotion—it intensifies it.

According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, children who suppress emotional reactions without support are more likely to exhibit symptoms of anxiety, depression, and somatic complaints later in adolescence. In fact, a study in Child Development (Gross & John, 2003) found that children who habitually suppress emotions report lower social support and increased emotional distress.

Developmental Truths: Kids Aren’t Meant to Carry It Alone

Emotion regulation is a developmental skill—not a natural talent. Kids aren’t meant to have it all figured out.

Dr. Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of Under Pressure, reminds us:

“Emotional avoidance can give the illusion of control, but resilience comes from learning to face what’s uncomfortable and developing the tools to move through it.”

By not modeling those conversations or shielding children entirely from life’s hard truths, we risk teaching them that silence = safety. In fact, the American Psychological Association notes that strong parent-child communication is one of the biggest protective factors for adolescent mental health (APA, 2019).

What Happens When We Avoid It?

If kids are taught that discomfort is something to hide from, we often see:

• Emotional outbursts with no clear cause.

• Social withdrawal or gaming/tech overuse.

• Increased anxiety and depressive symptoms.

• A deepening sense of isolation: “Why am I the only one feeling this?”

When children don’t learn to process heavy topics in healthy, communal ways, they may instead seek out superficial forms of release—whether that’s numbing behaviors, impulsive choices, or endless scrolling for dopamine hits.

Moving from Comfort Zone to Growth Zone

It’s not about “airing dirty laundry.” It’s about helping children understand that emotions are meant to be shared, not hidden, and that avoidance doesn’t protect them—it keeps them stuck.

Here are some ways to strike the right balance:

1. Use Language That Honors Their Autonomy

“I understand we don’t need to talk about everything. But sometimes, when something is heavy or keeps showing up, it can help to talk about it a little—so you don’t feel like you’re carrying it all alone.”
This communicates respect while gently inviting connection.

2. Model Emotional Processing—Not Just Emotional Talk

Kids need more than permission to feel—they need to witness emotional resolution.

This might mean narrating your process:
“That was a hard conversation, but I actually feel better after talking about it.”

Or even letting them observe a calm discussion between adults—so they see that vulnerability doesn’t end in disaster, but in clarity, relief, and deeper connection. They need to feel that “this feels better” moment firsthand.

3. Normalize the Conversation Before They’re Ready to Have It

Sometimes children don’t have the words—or the courage—to initiate difficult conversations. One way to support them is by starting the conversation on their behalf in a respectful way:

“I talked to your aunt and cousins about this just a little, so if you ever want to talk to them too, they already know a bit about it. You don’t have to explain it all.”

By gently opening the door, we give them space to enter on their own terms. It also models how to start those conversations in the future:
“This wasn’t a huge, embarrassing thing. It was just a small thing we worked through.”

This helps reduce shame and teaches kids how to calibrate when something actually needs support.

4. Take the Power Out of the Fear

Often, what keeps a child from opening up is the fear of the unknown. They imagine the worst-case scenario—the embarrassment, the judgment, the consequence. But once the words are out and the issue is named, it bursts that anxiety bubble.

They realize: “Oh. That wasn’t as big or scary as I thought.”

By helping kids name something and see that nothing catastrophic follows, we teach them how to shrink fear by stepping into it—with support. That’s the very practice of emotional courage.

5. Educate About Emotional Hygiene

Just like brushing teeth prevents cavities, processing emotions prevents emotional build-up. Feelings don’t vanish when avoided—they resurface when we least expect them.

6. Start Small, Practice Often

Kids don’t need to jump into deep vulnerability. Start with everyday stressors:

• A disagreement with a friend

• Nervousness before a test

• Feeling left out during an activity

Each small conversation builds confidence for bigger ones down the road.

Final Thought: Connection Over Control

Teaching kids how to process emotions instead of avoiding them helps build resilience, confidence, and connection. And sometimes, that starts with you going first: modeling vulnerability, opening gentle conversations, and showing that you can handle it—and they can too.

The illusion of control might feel safer in the short run, but it’s true connection—felt, witnessed, and practiced—that makes healing possible. And once the words are out, the fear begins to shrink. The situation loses its power, and the child gains a new one: emotional clarity.

Resources:

• Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Child Development.

• American Psychological Association (2019). Protective factors for child and adolescent mental health.

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (nctsn.org)

• Damour, L. (2019). Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls